Absent

Yesterday we had a birthday party for my daughter.  My mother was going to come…I told her I wouldn’t serve her any alcohol here and I didn’t want her coming if she’d had any booze.

She opted not to come.

My father came, though.  He said she cried when he left the house, and so he thinks it’s finally sinking in – the things she’s missing.

I didn’t say anything to him, but I don’t think anything is sinking in with her.  I think she was being weepy BECAUSE she was drinking.  I think maybe she was weepy because she felt left out.  I don’t think she is really thinking about the effect it has on anyone, or that she’s missing out on anything – I think she thinks she’s being left out and her feelings (pickled as they are) are hurt.

She was supposed to go into a 30 day detox/rehab program at a local hospital.  Then she said it was a 5 day program.  She went in on a Friday – after begging my father to stop along the way for ONE LAST DRINK and was home on Monday.  Hm…I’m not a genius, but that doesn’t quiet add up to 5 days on my fingers.

She was supposed to see her shrink the next day or that thursday, and begin her 3-4 day a week rehab program as an outpatient.  Um…didn’t happen.  Oh, and when I spoke to her on Monday?  Yeah, she’d been drinking.

Now it’s “I’m working with my doctors” which means she doesn’t want to go to some rehab thing with a bunch of drunks and addicts, because of course, SHE’S NOT ONE OF THEM.  So she has (now) an appointment next tuesday with her shrink – because it was the first one she could get.  Or so she says.  I have trouble believing anything she comes up with.

I’m angry about her not coming to my daughter’s birthday.  Not surprised.  But angry.  More so than I have been about some of the other no-show episodes.  This is her youngest grandchild.  Thank goodness my daughter is too young to really wonder WHY her grandmother didn’t show up.  How do I explain it?  I know – “grammy is sick” is how it will be explained for now.  And yes, that’s true in part.

But what about the fact that yes, grammy is sick, but she could DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT AND JUST FOR WHATEVER REASON, ISN’T DOING WHAT SHE COULD AND SHOULD.

I try to forgive.  I know I won’t forget, but I try to forgive.

But this is my daughter – and that is my mother.  Family things were always so important when I was growing up.  

My grandparents were important to me when I was a little kid.  I adored them.

I guess I am angry that my mother is choosing to absent herself from my kids’ lives in this way. 

No.  I don’t guess.  I am angry.  I’m so tired of feeling this way.
   

what just happened

most recently…she went on another bender and ended up in the hospital.  dad called 911.  he couldn’t deal with it any more.  she was losing control of her bladder all over the place.  didn’t even care.  just wanted more wine.  she was pissed that they took her to the hospital.  pissed that she was there.  the oxygen they put her on cleared her head enough so she snarled at the doctor “i want to get out of here, i just want to go home, and drink my wine, and go to sleep.”  yeah, you don’t have a problem, do you.  at some other point during all of this, the doctor – her new doctor – told her she has to stop drinking or she’s going to die.  and she apparently said something like “maybe that would be best” or “maybe I should” or something like that.  and you know, at one time in my life i would have felt overwhelmed with sadness about that.  I would have tried to find just the right words to say to make her not feel like that.  I would have tried – and I would have failed.

and I did fail – many many many times over the years.  slow learner, i guess.  or optimistic.  or naive.  whatever.  i never said or did just that right thing to make her stop.  it took me years, but i finally realized that i don’t have the right words to say.  it’s like glinda tells the scarecrow about dorothy understanding how to get home – “…because she wouldn’t have believed me…she had to learn it for herself.”  that’s what it boils down to.  she has to learn it for herself.  more than that, she has to want it.  and over and over again she mostly wants booze.