Again so soon

I got an email from mom yesterday saying she was sorry for being a “loser” regarding Easter this year, and that she’d make it up to the kids.  There was some sort of grammatical error in there, which should have been a little red flag, but I didn’t notice it.  I was too busy being furious.  I emailed her back – this long tirade of the most recent pent up things and who knows what else…rage and frustration mainly.  I also sent all that to my sister, because that’s what we do.  We’re the kids. 

Well, a little while later, my sister called to tell me dad had called 911 on mom again – just then! – and she was pissed.  dad had called my sister first, and when she didn’t pick up, he called the house and spoke to my brother in law.  so no other details.

i spent the next 5 hours or whatever it is trying to focus on work, wondering if she’d read my email at all yet, sort of hoping she had, but now i’m thinking she hasn’t.  but whatever.

i also – as i always do during these episodes – spent time in “what if” land…what if she’s dead?  that’s pretty much the big one.  it’s exhausting, because when i do this “what if” thing, it’s not just a fleeting thought that passes through.  No, it digs its heels in and fans the flames.  I get tense, prepared for the worst, and just wonder.  Think of practical things – like who will watch the kids for me so i can go down and…what…view the body?  This is the kind of thing that happens.  In my head.  So yeah, i know it’s not REALLY happening…but that doesn’t mean that one day my “what if” won’t be right.

And she doesn’t understand any of this.  In her pickled mind, she’s going through EVERYTHING alone.  It doesn’t affect her kids, so why are they picking on her?

I just came home for lunch, and on the way, my sister called.  they’re back home – both of them.  apparently a social worker came and talked to her (mom) at the hospital – her file is a couple inches thick, and that’s just from the past few years – and they made her promise (HA!) to see her therapist – Dr. S. – who I think is fabulous because he sees right through her – and to go to another rehab out-patient thing that she was supposed to be going to one of the last times but of course developed a sore body part and couldn’t continue.

So – to laugh again – “they made her promise.”  Wow!  What a novel approach!  If only someone had MADE HER PROMISE something like this before!!!!!

And the beautiful part is that on the way home she made my father stop at a liquor store to get her a bottle of wine.

And he did.

He told my sister it’s because he’s dumb.  He’s not dumb.  I think he’s just plain tired. 

So I don’t know who I’m angrier at right this minute.  I think it’s a tie.

My sister said that he said – re the bottle of wine – “but i won’t do that again” – HA – right.  and my mother won’t drink again.

I don’t even know what to say next.  I wish I didn’t have to go back to work, though maybe the slight distraction will be good for me.

 I just feel like screaming for a while.  And swearing.  Lots of swearing.  Loud swearing.

But it won’t really do much good. 

This just sucks.  I’m so sick of this.  So tired of it.  Really.  Really?  Yes.  Really.