last night

i couldn’t sleep for the longest time last night.  conversations in my head.  it’s always like this.  not just the conversations, but the imagining. 

i don’t know how many times i have imagined being told that she has died.  and no, amazingly, it hasn’t happened yet.  but still.  whenever she goes on a bender, i mentally prepare for the worst.   it’s exhausting.  it’s not exactly the same as actually losing a parent, but it almost seems worse – i have gone through this so many times, and cried, and grieved, that i wonder if i’ll have any tears left when the real time comes.

last night – or was it this morning – i also had practical thoughts – bring a spare house key with me to work so that when (not if – when) i called someone to pick up the kids for me and bring them home, i could give them the key and not have to take my own off the keyring.  i could leave the car seats and the key at the daycare.  yes, that would work.  practical.  taking care of the important things.  my children. 

but no call came, and as i wrote in my first post, she is actually home. 

dad had said something about trying to get her into a rehab program…possibly one out of state if necessary.  and i told him that if she isn’t going to put 100% effort into this…if she isn’t willing to work like hell to never ever have another drop of alcohol again, then it’s not worth whatever money they’d spend on her 30 days of on-site therapy.  and she’s gone through it before.  years ago.  right after my sister’s wedding, actually.  put in the 30 days, the wall around her never came down, she never saw that she was no different from anyone else there, and though they gave her a “i am responsible” tag for her keys, she didn’t really graduate.  it was just that the medical coverage had run out.  time’s up.  everybody out of the pool. 

i am wondering what sparked this most recent episode.  that’s one of the ways we entertain ourselves, i guess – my sister and me.  we speculate on what triggered it.  or – we’ll speculate on what will trigger the next one.  sounds heartless and cruel or something, maybe.  but it’s a coping mechanism.  it’s survival.  it’s humor where there is too much ugliness and sadness.  i thank god every day i have my sister.  actually, to be honest, i have to thank my parents for that.